


Katoavaa

by LostMyHeartToHim



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Canon Fix-It, M/M, Wrath of Khan, because I'm an angsty person, enough said
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2013-09-28
Packaged: 2017-12-27 21:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostMyHeartToHim/pseuds/LostMyHeartToHim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of first times and endings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Katoavaa

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta-read. All mistakes are mine and I'm sorry for them. Star Trek doesn't belong to me for some odd reason.

He remembers the first time he saw him.

His back had been straight and every silken hair had been in order. He had emitted an aura of professionalism and unapproachableness, and his face had been perfectly composed, unemotional. Yet his eyes had seemed like dark caverns, full of mysteries and hidden depths.

He had found him immediately alluring.

  
~o~

  
He had made his mission to befriend this intriguing being, not only for his benefit, for the benefit of the ship as well. He had resisted him at first, claiming friendship to be illogical. But he had submitted at last, for ships benefit he had said, but he had been certain it had had more to do with him annoying the Vulcan to death, feelings or not. Their first chess game had taken place at the same day Gary had died. That was when their friendship had begun, one friend lost another gained.

~o~

The first time the Vulcan had been near death, he hadn't spoken to him out of duty for a week. His friend had been confused and rounded him on his cabin one night, asking if he had done something wrong. He had wished it could had have been that simple. But the truth had been that he had been scared, scared of the intensity of his feelings. He had only known the other for a short period of time, but still only a thought of a life without him had made him feel sick. But he couldn't possibly have explained that to the other man who had been incapable of understanding his own feelings, not to mention other's. So he had smiled, shaken his head and told him not to worry, that he just hadn't been feeling quite himself lately. The Vulcan had raised an eyebrow and told him that _Vulcan's do not worry, captain_. He had smiled genuinely then and asked if the other man would be up for a game of chess. After that he had steeled himself and sent him on the away missions like all the others. And if he had trembled with relief every time after a close call, well, no one had to know.

  
~o~

  
The first time he had broken the rules for the Vulcan, had been when the time of mating had come upon him. He had known that he could have been decommissioned for it but at the time, or after it, he hadn't cared. His only purpose had been to save his friend, even if it meant him marrying a stranger. When T'Pring had ordered a challenge, he had been relieved. His friend wouldn't take an another as a mate and he would be happy to die for him. Luckily for both of them the doctor had saved him and the smile that his friend had given him had been well worth everything. Luck really had seemed to been on his side that day, because instead of being decommissioned he had gotten away with it, thanks to T'Pau. But that had been only the first time.

  
~o~

The day when their five year mission had ended, he had kissed him for the first time. It hadn't lasted long, but he had cherished every second of it. The Vulcan had tasted like foreign spices, and kissing him had felt like coming home from a long journey. But instead of welcoming it, the other man had pushed him away with a shocked look on his normally composed face and excused himself of his company. He had watched his retreating back with a sinking feeling in his stomach that he would never see the other man again. And indeed, that had been the last time he had seen him for two years.

  
~o~

  
Those two years had been the most loneliest in his life. The work had not given him any comfort and he hadn't felt like searching for a long term partner. There had been a few, of course, but it hadn't lasted more than a few weeks each time before he had called it off. He just couldn't get a certain man out of his mind.   
When a change had come to get back on-board of the Enterprise, he had gladly accepted. But, the little altered, but still familiar walls, had given him a very little comfort and it hadn't felt like home anymore.  
Then Spock had arrived and suddenly everything had felt alright again, even when the Vulcan had acted coldly towards him. He had hoped it would be only matter of time, because one kiss could have hardly ended a friendship like theirs. He hadn't hoped for more than a friendship before the other man had taken his hand on sickbay, and told him of the simple feeling that was beyond a machine's comprehension. After it had all ended, they had had a long talk of what they meant for each other and it had ended by them sleeping together peacefully on his bed. They had found home at last.

  
~o~

They had first made love at the night of their bonding. He had teased his lover of being old-fashioned but he had secretly loved the romanticism of it all. He supposes he had become a sappy old fool at some point after their five year mission. Or maybe it had just been the influence his lover had had on him.

That night he had been more nervous he could ever remember being. He had never really gone all the way with a man before and he had feared how his body would respond. But his fear had been in vain. It had been the most wonderful experience in his life. Not because of the sex, although it had been wonderful too, but because who he had been with, and the bond that had sung between their minds when they had joined completely, body and mind all together. When it was over,  his lover had pulled him close and whispered Vulcan words in his ear.  
  
" _T'hy'la, Taluhk nash-veh k'dular_ "  
  
That had also been the first time his ashayam had told him aloud that he loved him.  
  


~o~

_Should have known that nothing good ever lasts,_ he thinks bitterly now when he watches the other half of his soul to slowly fade away on the other side of the glass. He presses his hand harder against the glass like bare power of will could get him through. In his mind he whispers words of comfort and love sending them through the bond to his lover.   
  
"Do not grieve, Admiral." _How could you ask me something like that?_  
  
"It is only logical. The needs of the many outweigh...," _No, this time they don't._ But he cannot be selfish, not now.  
  
"...The needs of the few...,"  
  
"...Or the one. I never took the Kobayashi Maru test before now. What do you think of my solution?" _Why would you choose to leave me?_ , he thinks shaking his head in denial.  
His t'hy'la raises a hand forming a _Ta'al_ against the glass. He raises his own trying to copy the form of his lover's hand but failing. He never had learned how to do it properly.   
  
"Live long and prosper." _I won't without you_. And then the presence in his mind is gone and his lover isn't moving anymore.  
  
"No." He couldn't remember ever feeling grief like this before, maybe he hadn't. He collapsed against the radiation chamber wall, mute with grief.

 

_Please, I can't survive without you._

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are love! :)


End file.
